The Night Before an STRS Christmas

2005 Edition

The Night Before an STRS Christmas

By an Anonymous Malcontent

‘Twas the night before Christmas,

When all through the STRS house,

All the employees were happy, but Sorry!

No health care subsidy for the retiree's spouse.

The stockings were hung,

By the chimney, with care,

In hopes that past, noninvestment employee bonuses,

Soon would be there.

The board members were all nestled,

Snug in their beds,

While visions of 3307.15,

Danced in Dennis Leone's head.

And Conni in her 'kerchief,

and Bob in his cap,

Had just finished writing,

Some new board policy crap;

Then both settled in for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn,

There arose such a clatter,

Bob sprang from his bed,

To see what was the matter.

Away to the window,

He flew like a flash,

Tore opens the shutters,

While stumbling over,

the "polished stone" stash.

The moon on the breast,

Of the new-fallen snow,

Graced a luster of mid-day,

To the "Wendy's" below.

When, what to his wondering eyes,

Should appear,

But a miniature PT Cruiser,

And eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver,

So lively and quick,

I knew in a moment,

It must be Herbie’s next trick.

More rapid than eagles,

His staff and board members they came,

As he whistled, and shouted,

And called them by name;

"Now Jack! Now, Joe!

Now Gene and Michael!

On, Debbie! On Hazel!

On Damon and Knoesel!"

He yelled,

"Spend away!

Spend away!

Spend away all!"

Then credit cards, began to fall,

They gathered each one, and then stood up very tall,

Answering to Lazares and Leone, our boys on the ball,

Simply asking them, please explain this all?

So up to the top,

Of the glass Palace they all flew,

With bronze statues, sculptures,

Tickets, and art work, too.

And then in a twinkling,

You heard on the roof,

Lazares and Leone snatching,

Each of their "hoofs".

As Bob drew in his head,

And was turning around,

Herbie came down the chimney,

With a bound.

He was wrapped in junk bonds,

From his head to his foot,

With a couple of credit cards,

He simply dusted off the soot.

A bundle of new etchings,

He had flung on his back,

He looked liked a bum,

All sooty and black.

His eyes, how they twinkled!

He looked so awfully scary!

His promises still held the same wrinkle

This is the board's money to bury!

His droll little mouth,

Was drawn up like a bow,

Was it he, or the board,

Will we ever really know?

Bills from storing old furniture.

He held in his teeth,

As he set them on fire,

The smoke encircled his head, like a wreath.

He said, look at me now,

With my pockets full of your money,

That shook when he laughed,

Boy, did he think he was funny.

He was chubby and plump,

All clever and shrewd,

He had told the ORSC chumps,

The money was his to spend,

don't get stewed.

With a wink of his eye,

And a swirl of his hand,

He spoke very slowly,

To each retiree on hand.

"I could care less what benefits you lose,

Be it health care, prescriptions,

Whatever it might be,

He spoke in a voice, as nasty as could be.

Then he went straight to work,

Ordering his staff,

"Think of more 'perks',

For each and every executive quirk!"

Then he sprang to his sleigh,

To his staff and board he gave a whistle,

And they all flew away,

Like a big cruise missile.

But I heard him exclaim,

As they flew out of sight,

"I've got some "Hairspray" tickets,

For the last show tonight."

Then he turned and he shouted,

"Merry Christmas to me,

I want to thank you all,

Forever being so trusting of me!