Article: Petro ad inspires Uncle Ott's Gas-N-God

Commentary (Columbus Dispatch, 12/06/05)

Petro ad inspires Uncle Ott's Gas-N-God

My Dear Nephew Mike,

I fear that Jim Petro’s attempt to out-Jesus Ken Blackwell has just about put your Uncle Ott over the edge.

I’ll get to Ott in a minute. First, though, have you seen our great and God-fearing attorney general’s latest TV ad for governor? If you haven’t, you won’t need a Heimlich to bring up your lunch.

Big Jim opens the ad by asking, "What does God expect of us?"

If I were God, after seeing the commercial, the answer would be, "Just stand still, Jim, so I don’t hit some innocent bystander with this lightning bolt."

Anyway, in the TV ad, the camera shows a Bible and baby photos, wedding rings and birth certificates, all while Petro boasts, "Nancy and I have been married for nearly 33 years. . . . We are pro-life. . . . We believe that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman . . . "

I think you can smell where he is going with that. Hard to believe that this is the same Jim Petro who went groveling to the National Abortion Rights League in 1998 for its endorsement.

As far as I can see, what Petro is up to with this ad is just oldfashioned bootlick pandering. But, Ott says the man has hit on the mother lode of marketing — just let on like God has bought a table at your $1,000-a-plate fundraiser.

Your Uncle is so taken by Petro that he has renamed the Gas-N-Go.

What’s got me embarrassed, though, is that Ott has now made his own TV ad for the new Gas-N-God. It’s horrible.

The commercial opens with a misty morning scene of a doe nibbling grass in front of a statue of Jesus and a gas pump. The camera then pans to the price sign, so the viewer reads, "Regular: $2.19. Super: $2.39. Salvation: priceless."

Ott then speaks: "What does God expect of independent service-station dealers? I have asked for an answer to that question many times as Gracie, my wife of 44 years, and I have knelt to pray beside a marriage bed unsullied by thoughts of anything less pure than enlarging our family.

"What does God expect? I believe that when God pulls up to the gas pumps, he expects a Christian price for unleaded regular. He wants his oil checked, and he wants all those little bitty pieces of petrified bug crap scraped off his windshield.

"Years ago, when I was lost in sin, God was buying his gas elsewhere. Why, he would drive right by this place so as not to see the Playboy pinups or get a whiff of me after a weekend of Jose Cuervo.

"I believe the Lord comes to each of us in different ways. He didn’t come to me at altar call at the Two Pig Run Church of the Risen Lord. No, I was checking the timing chain on Iny Rae Nutter’s ’97 Subaru when she accidentally leaned her elbow on the horn button.

"I leaped up, smacked my head on the hood latch, staggered backward and fell into the lube pit. It was there, lying in a pool of half-frozen, 50-weight truck oil, that I knew I’d been slain in the spirit.

"I believe, since then, that my faith has given me the opportunity to better serve all Ohio motorists. When I fix your brakes, they’ll stop you because I advocate the protection of all life.

"You can trust me with your car, because God doesn’t let anyone else work on his." And that, I fear, nephew Mikey, is the news from Methane. My Love to all, Aunt Gracie

Mike Harden is a Dispatch Metro columnist . He can be reached at 614-461-5215 or by e mail
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mharden@dispatch.com