Top 10 Reasons To Vote For the PBI

From Rich DeColibus, September 27, 2009

10. I have acid indigestion listening to all these fossilized nattering nabobs of negativism being against everything good we try to do; I need to get the vote over with so I can take my Tums and go home to watch professional wrestling.

9. That cute little number in Short-sale Securities said she would like to thank me in the appropriate manner. You think that's not worth $3.4 million of somebody else's money? I'm worth it. Easily.

8. What's all the fuss about? I think putting $3.4 million into the Board members' Personal Basic Instruction program is an excellent bargain, as long as we get the training in Hawaii like we were promised. I don't know what they're going to instruct us in, but they said not to sweat the details, that's what management is for.

7. Someone suggested our foremost obligation was preservation of capital instead of grossly overpaying investment counselors and then awarding them huge bloated bonuses. What a hoot! That guy should get a job writing comedy scripts.

6. Well, of course, we're in a terrible financial crisis, losing tens of billions of dollars, adding more years of service requirements, screwing the retirees by slashing their inflation protection, demanding greater donations from active members and employers, and other cost-cutting measures. Nothing, of course, should be allowed to negatively impact our employees and management; they're way too important compared to those faceless fools who sent us 10% of their salary for most of their lives. Hee, hee, hee, I love it when a plan comes together.

5. Of course I know almost everyone in the world is sick and nauseated of these inflated bonuses throughout the world-wide financial sector that are undeserved by any rational justification. I deeply resent it when someone tries to muddy the waters with rational thinking. Our decisions need to be honored and obeyed, not scrutinized by the ignorant masses.

4. The OEA sent me a secret message that I should vote this way, although they'll publicly criticize the decision, and then pretend they were absolutely clueless we were even considering it.

3. I'm tired of all these whiney old retired farts criticizing our decisions; they need to learn that not only do we know what's best for them and STRS, we are also immune to any kind of intelligent logic, so there, let this be a lesson to them. If they continue to argue about the PBI, we'll have to double the bonuses...it's a matter of principle.

2. We would have to have our in-house lawyers defend us against a lawsuit and incur three or four thousand dollars in court costs, so spending $3.4 million on bonuses is a real bargain. It's so obvious, it doesn't even need discussion.

1. That unmarked envelope, as promised, with the $10,000 in small bills I found on my office chair yesterday.