Top 10 List of Things for STRS Retirees To Worry About

From Rich DeColibus, October 24, 2009

YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO WORRY WHEN...

10. You see a TV news report that the National Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has discovered a new strain of swine flu, called the N1A1STRS strain. When one is infected, the viral particles alter an individual's brain cells' DNA, creating an irrational desire to increase the PBI bonuses. Careful members will want to wash their hands thoroughly after handling any paper notices from STRS.

9. You read in the Columbus Dispatch how a disgruntled STRS Investment Counselor suggests to the Ohio General Assembly that total control of STRS finances should, by law, be given entirely to the Investment Department. "After all," he commented in the article, "who can live on $400,000-a-year these days?"

8. Driving by the STRS HQ, you see a huge bonfire in the parking lot. When you stop and ask, you're told those are all the thousands of applications from laid-off Wall Street financial planners and investors applying for a job at STRS. When you ask why they are being burned, you are told there is a hush-hush no-fire-no-hire policy now in effect at STRS for the next five years.

7. You read in the Dispatch that the STRS management greatly admires AIG and its "creative" and "inspiring" bonus program, giving out billions of bonus dollars to the exact same top executives who bankrupted the company, while demanding $74 billion in rescue money from the government because "We're too big to fail."

6. You get a bulletin from STRS including an article indicating STRS and the Cleveland Browns, a team renowned for spending $60 million in player salaries for the worst players in NFL history, have signed a cooperative-hiring joint effort to identify the best and most talented investment counselors to hire, along with massive multi-million-dollar signing bonuses. Rumor has it this will be in cooperation with AIG's Human Resource department and all hires will be "off the books" because of the no-fire-no-hire freeze.

5. A recent comment from an anonymous STRS mid-level manager, when asked if all the investment counselors had college-level background courses in finance and investment, replied, "What? You mean some of them went to college? I guess we should be proud our extensive GED program for them is working."

4. You receive in the mail an envelope from STRS labeled "A New Troubled Asset Recovery Fund (n-TARP)," and inside is a free packet of special "Jonestown Flavor Kool Aid."

3. You drive by the STRS building and see the head of the Investment Department on the edge of the top ledge of the building.

2. You get notice from STRS in November stating: "We are happy to announce we have signed up for Federal Stimulus monies and will resume paying your monthly pension as soon as Congress approves the extension of the program and the President signs the bill, something he has pledged to do just as soon as the health care reform package, immigration questions, the War in Afghanistan, cap-and-trade legislation, and the long-term solvency of Medicare are resolved. Until then, our immediate funds are only sufficient to support the salaries of our employees and the vital Board training trips to Hawaii and Monaco."

1. You get notice from STRS in November stating: "We are positive the soon-to-be-enacted government health care insurance program will pick up your coverage since we eliminated all health care coverage for retirees in Executive Session two days ago; this was necessary to provide our valuable employees with the no-cost quality health care insurance we are proud to offer our finest associates."