An Ohio Statehouse Christmas Poem

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'Twas the Night before Christmas Statehouse Poem

By John Curry

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Statehouse
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that a Tea Party soon would be there.

Republican legislators were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of lobbyists danced in their heads.
And mamma in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters to survey the crash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to characters below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a carbon-covered dolt, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so cunning and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Kasich.
More sneaky than weasels his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Niehaus! now, Hite! now, Jones and Wachtmann!
On, Batchelder! On, Faber! on, on Martin and Huffman!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now lie away! Lie away! Lie away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with the truth, they’d fabricate a lie.
So up to the Housetop the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of BS, and Governor Kasich too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The posturing and uttering of each little goof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Governor Kasich came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Promises he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His words all rang hollow, his words all rang scary!
The thoughts in his brain were still quite alive,
He was still on a mission to reincarnate SB 5.

The frown on his face was an obvious observance,
Of the contempt he still held for Ohio’s public servants.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was cunning and shy, a despicable elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He left threats for instructions, just like a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all you idiots, and to all a good-night!"

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