Friday, March 27, 2009

The Misinformation Gazette
April 1, 2009
Columbus, Ohio
April 1, 2009
In a stunning revelation today, The State Teachers Retirement System of Ohio announced the results of their membership survey. According to the release from STRS, 109% of those polled indicated satisfaction with all of STRS's various departments; this is up from 106% in the 2008 survey.
Further results showed 83% of responders believed STRS Board members were anointed by God, 44% believed the Board members were divine, and 63% were satisfied the Board members were omniscient.
In other results, 204% of the members were either sure or very sure the earth was flat and the landings on the moon were simply a staged government cover-up of a failed program.
In related questions, it was established 88% of retirees didn't want the 13th check restored, 15% wanted the check but only if STRS assets were over $433 billion, and 24% thought the check was a gratuitous sin of greed and wanted any 13th check donated to a charity designated by the Board members. STRS added some results don't add up to exactly 100% because of rounding and the results had a probability of plus or minus one ten-thousandth of a percent. It was indicated the results were calculated in a similar manner to the PBI bonuses for the investment counselors. Satisfaction with the STRS Health Care Stabilization Fund was also high. 66% of responders wanted to pay more, suggesting an increase of $734 per month would be wonderful, while 32% thought that increase was insufficient and wanted nothing less than to pay at least an additional $1,000 per month, and a final 49% demanded STRS take their houses and sell them on the open market to stabilize the fund. STRS had no comment on whether such action was under consideration.
In the category of communication, 55% of the responders wanted to read more about STRS Board members, their families, their preferences for entertainment such as favorite movies, TV shows, and sports indulged in. 87% were very sure that was very important news, and thought most of the Newsletter should focus on that information.
See page two for a sample of the questions asked. According to STRS, retired members in the Memory Gardens location provided the most answers and had the highest percentage of returned polls.

~ Page 2 ~
The following are some of the questions posed by the STRS poll to its retired members.

1. What is your overall impression of STRS as a whole?
...(a) Very, very favorable
...(b) Very, very, very favorable
...(c) Very, very, very, VERY favorable
...(d) Simply wonderful in every way
2. Which of these do you hold in the highest esteem?
...(a) STRS management
...(b) Bernie Madoff
...(c) AIG executives
...(d) Charles Manson
3. What do you think of the PBI bonus program for investment counselors?
...(a) Fantastic
...(b) The bonuses should be bigger and not related to mere stock performance
...(c) A brilliant system of compensation that should at least be doubled
4. If STRS goes completely bankrupt should investment counselors still get their full bonuses?
...(a) Yes
...(b) Yes
...(c) Yes
...(d) Definitely
5. How do you view the STRS Health Care program?
...(a) Too cheap, cost needs to be increased at least double
...(b) Coverage is much too extensive; should be limited to flu shots and appendectomies
...(c) Far too many prescription drugs are available; should be limited to aspirin and placebos
...(d) Simply wonderful in every way
6. Do you believe STRS is adequately staffed?
...(a) Absolutely not. We need many more investment counselors
...(b) Absolutely not. We need more managers and bosses
...(c) Absolutely not. We need more secretaries and parking lot guards
...(d) Absolutely not. We need more relatives of Board members on the payroll
7. Would you like to see the 13th check returned?
...(a) What's that?
...(b) No, and we should donate our 12th check to STRS Board members
...(c) Only for retirees who are 100 years old or older and then only on the basis of one dollar per year old
...(d) No. Thirteen is an unlucky number.
8. What should be done with STRS Board members who dissent from majority votes?
...(a) They should be executed immediately
...(b) They should be executed immediately
...(c) They should be executed immediately
...(d) They should be executed immediately
9. What do you think of the STRS headquarters building?
...(a) There's not enough expensive art and sculpture there; buy more
...(b) The building is too small; build extensions richly decorated to demonstrate our fiscal integrity
...(c) Free chlld care should be provided to all STRS employees and all relatives up to fourth cousins
...(d) We need many more armed guards in the parking area
10. Do you believe STRS ought to make it easier for non-union Board candidates to run for a Board position?
...(a) The OEA opposes this idea
...(b) The OFT opposes this idea
...(c) ORTA opposes this idea
...(d) Everyone opposes this idea
Larry KehresMount Union Collge
Division III
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