Rich DeColibus: Another take on the NFL and public education
October 10, 2011
NFL v. Public Education
A recent Wall Street Journal article by Fran Tarkenton [see post below] suggested teaching should be more like the NFL. Great idea. I'm all for it. For those of you from exotic foreign countries who are unfamiliar with football, a bit of explanation is appropriate. Ame
rican football involves 22 players on a 100 by 52½ yard playing field moving a synthetic pig bladder around. Eleven of the twenty-two players attempt to move the bladder in one direction while the other eleven players attempt to knock them down. It is not, it is fair to say, a game which requires great intellectual capacity. 
Nonetheless, is has been deemed critical to the survival of the United States of America for reasons which, while murky, are stoutly espoused (loudly).
NFL players individually negotiate their contracts (or, more accurately, their agents do) and we should immediately move to a similar system. Staying with just Ohio, we have over 100,000 teachers which would require 100,000 agents to negotiate for them. Logic would suggest that maybe one agent could represent more than one teacher, which would diminish the agent problem. Actually, if teachers were grouped into cohesively geographic units, like school districts for example, one agent could represent large groups of teachers,
further simplifying the representation issue. We used to have teacher unions that represented teachers in contract negotiations but the All-Wise State Government in Senate Bill 5 insisted teacher unions were evil, so we need to call them by another name, like Player Representative Facilitators.
rican football involves 22 players on a 100 by 52½ yard playing field moving a synthetic pig bladder around. Eleven of the twenty-two players attempt to move the bladder in one direction while the other eleven players attempt to knock them down. It is not, it is fair to say, a game which requires great intellectual capacity. 
Nonetheless, is has been deemed critical to the survival of the United States of America for reasons which, while murky, are stoutly espoused (loudly).NFL players individually negotiate their contracts (or, more accurately, their agents do) and we should immediately move to a similar system. Staying with just Ohio, we have over 100,000 teachers which would require 100,000 agents to negotiate for them. Logic would suggest that maybe one agent could represent more than one teacher, which would diminish the agent problem. Actually, if teachers were grouped into cohesively geographic units, like school districts for example, one agent could represent large groups of teachers,
further simplifying the representation issue. We used to have teacher unions that represented teachers in contract negotiations but the All-Wise State Government in Senate Bill 5 insisted teacher unions were evil, so we need to call them by another name, like Player Representative Facilitators. To be fair, each Player Representative Facilitator group would need to be democratically elected by the teachers themselves, not picked by management, and the elections would have to be by secret ballot. There would need to be procedures in place to account for how the fees charged by Player Representative Facilitator groups are spent, along with appropriate accounting procedures. Now, this sounds suspiciously identical to existing teacher unions but is totally different. As soon as I figure out how it's totally different, I'll get back to you. 
Moving along, the median salary for NFL players is $770,000 (2009 figures) which takes into account roughly six months of training, pre-season, and regular season work. This is an acceptable beginning salary for a teacher, as long as it is adjusted upward for the fact teachers work nine months a year instead of six months. As we all know, as football players age, and take repeated physical punishment, their ability diminishes over time, while as a teacher gains more experience through a thirty-year career, they only get better and better. Therefore, the median $770,000 salary is a starting point which should only go up as time goes on. Yessiree, that NFL analogue is looking better and better. Later, we can adjust the salary proportionately for the fact NFL players work, at the ultimate most, sixty minutes a week while teachers, at the very least, work one thousand, two hundred minutes a week.
Maybe the best part of a NFL contract is it's a contract. The management has to pay you no matter what. Twist an ankle and have to sit on the bench for five months, those paychecks just keep on rolling in. Just think: you're on the way to school, you slip on the path to your garage, oops, sprained knee. Can't possibly work this fall but, of course, management would still have to send you your $29,615 bi-weekly paycheck. Not bad for a first-year teacher. They may drop you after your contract runs out but, after 26 paychecks of $29,615 each, who cares; you'll just sign up with another district next year.
It goes without saying all health care and medical expenses are picked up by management, as
well as all transportation costs associated with educational responsibilities and all clothing and attire expenses related to classroom teaching. Each teacher's name will be trademarked and cannot be used in any kind of public declaration without negotiated compensation between the teacher and management.
Moving along, the median salary for NFL players is $770,000 (2009 figures) which takes into account roughly six months of training, pre-season, and regular season work. This is an acceptable beginning salary for a teacher, as long as it is adjusted upward for the fact teachers work nine months a year instead of six months. As we all know, as football players age, and take repeated physical punishment, their ability diminishes over time, while as a teacher gains more experience through a thirty-year career, they only get better and better. Therefore, the median $770,000 salary is a starting point which should only go up as time goes on. Yessiree, that NFL analogue is looking better and better. Later, we can adjust the salary proportionately for the fact NFL players work, at the ultimate most, sixty minutes a week while teachers, at the very least, work one thousand, two hundred minutes a week.
Maybe the best part of a NFL contract is it's a contract. The management has to pay you no matter what. Twist an ankle and have to sit on the bench for five months, those paychecks just keep on rolling in. Just think: you're on the way to school, you slip on the path to your garage, oops, sprained knee. Can't possibly work this fall but, of course, management would still have to send you your $29,615 bi-weekly paycheck. Not bad for a first-year teacher. They may drop you after your contract runs out but, after 26 paychecks of $29,615 each, who cares; you'll just sign up with another district next year.
It goes without saying all health care and medical expenses are picked up by management, as
well as all transportation costs associated with educational responsibilities and all clothing and attire expenses related to classroom teaching. Each teacher's name will be trademarked and cannot be used in any kind of public declaration without negotiated compensation between the teacher and management.Well, anyway, like I said, a great idea but the reality is maybe Fran took one too many head hits.
Retired teacher Rich DeColibus is former president of the Cleveland Teachers Union.
posted by Kathie Bracy at 9:47 PM
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